Communist Chinese Water Aerobics

This morning I woke up at damn near the crack of dawn, 10:30am or so, and had me a hearty bowl of Quaker Oatmeal's weight control maple flavored instant oatmeal. I was first turned on to this product by Bob and Jillian from the Biggest Loser. Jam packed with fiber and protein while remaining low in sugar meant that a bowl of this scientifically designed yet 'completely natural' cereal should help nourish me as well as help me feel full for hours. In all honestly the product seems to really live up to Bob and Jillian's claims, however the one screaming drawback is the obvious artificial maple flavoring that only our planets finest scientists could have created, stays with you and the area it was prepared in for about...oh...let's say 12-18 hours. In addition to the house having that freshly poured Mrs. Buttersworth aroma all day, each time you burp, hiccup, blow your nose, move a bowl, or pee, you get to enjoy the deliciousness of your morning delight all over again.

Hours later still satisfied from my maple flavored oatmeal I stared reluctance and inactivation down in the face and went to the noon time water aerobics class at the YMCA. I specifically waited for this class as I've witnessed the instructor and class participants before and deemed it perfect for both my laziness and knee injured level. Half of these old ladies had to be lowered into the pool by the lifeguard using the automated seat lift chair. One after another the luscious ladies of noon time water aerobics were slowly lowered into the pool. It was like watching donuts being mechanically lowered into a cup of coffee in slow motion. The final generian had been lowered into the pool when in a swift and indescribable motion a woman who would later be revealed as our instructor spraing from the water to the pool deck like Posiedon or should I say Posiedon'ette.

"Oh rercome radies and you (I guess that meant me) to my crass" You've probably guessed by now she was Asian. "Ret's get started" as she torpedoed into the water like a Russian submarine. The pool was all a gasp by the regulars as they were unfamiliar with this instructor. She put her goggles on which now made her look super Asian. I mean like crazy communist China leader Asian.

I enjoyed the first few minutes while we warmed up , but than like any good heat seeking missile she honed in on me and taught the class four inches from my face. "Rift your Regs higher!!!!" "Move your regs faster!!" "fasTER" "fASTER" "FASTER!!!!!!!!" OMG, I had not moved this fast and hard since the McRib came back. This woman was relentless! Shouting and moving with precise military like efficiency. It was my considered opinion that she was fresh off the boat from the red army. A harsh communist Chinese leader who was bitter as she had been sent to America to evade the bad press of that little Tieneman Square incident. Why me? Why was I the focus of all her energetic energy? I decided it was because I fat, a man, or the only one under 70.

Whew! Thirty minutes had past and aquatic boot camp was over. I could only float there I was in a stressed state of shock and exhaustion. I needed to go to the bathroom but I couldn't have moved yet, so I simply laid back and floated while I enjoyed some sweet release. A moment later one of my 75 y/o year old classmates spurts out, "I smell pancakes".

Damn you Quaker Oatmeal and your stupid maple flavoring!!!